Sex sells. Turn on any prime time television show, listen to the hottest songs on the pop charts, or browse the magazines in the checkout stand at the grocery store and you’ll be bombarded with sexual images and word pictures. What’s worse, check out TV that used to be specifically for children, and watch the commercials and the newer shows. Not only do the commercials target our kids to want the latest and greatest gizmo and toy, but the music videos in between the commercials more often than not contain tweens with high hemlines, low-cut blouses, and skinny crooning over the boy or girl in their math class. This is often during programming that is aimed at young elementary school-aged children.
The fact is, the age of puberty for girls and boys has decreased over the last 30 years, yet current brain research indicates that the pre-frontal lobe of the brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid-twenties. The pre-frontal lobe houses the area of the brain that is responsible for decision-making and judgment skills. The dropping average age of puberty (currently for girls is 10.5 years old; for boys it’s about 12) and the rising age of brain development leaves our kids in desperate need of parental guidance on the most important topics.
When thinking about how to talk with your kids about sex, you need to talk early and talk often. Rather than wait for your child’s first health class in fifth grade, be the first person in your child’s life to talk to your kids. At that stage (pre-puberty), kids are not interested in the details. Be brief and to the point.
Try to be relaxed. If our kids start to ask questions and we get skittish or squeamish, our kids will pick up on that anxiety. Take a breath and realize you don’t have to tell them everything in your first conversation. They won’t be able to handle it all anyway. Give them just a little more information than they ask for and then start thinking about what you might want to say in the next conversation.
Be clear. Use the anatomically correct names for body parts. The clearer you are from the start, the less confusion for your child and the fewer misconceptions you’ll have to clear up later as they get older as they start asking more direct and specific questions.
As your child approaches adolescence and early adulthood, you’ll need to talk with them about abstinence, STDs, and the emotional connections that come with sex.
Many believe that abstinence is an old, out-dated concept that most teenagers don’t practice. Abstinence education was replaced by “safe sex” education because many believed that we if educated our teens on “safe sex” practices that the rates of STDs would drop. Ironically, rates of certain STDs (chlamydia, HIV/AIDS, syphilis) have actually been on the rise.
Abstinence is the only way to protect oneself from STDs. It is also the only way to protect oneself from the emotional cost of “casual” sex.
Research has shown that oxytocin is released in a woman’s brain during sexual intercourse. Oxytocin is a hormone that stimulates labor and lets down a woman’s milk after giving birth. This powerful hormone promotes the strongest attachment known to humankind—a mother to her child. It also increases trust, which often leads to higher risk taking behavior and can be classically conditioned. Just like Pavlov’s dogs that learned to salivate to the sound of a bell after it was paired with food, just seeing the guy with whom she had sex releases oxytocin in the teenage girl’s brain. Imagine your disdain when this hormone is released when your teenage daughter has sex with the kid you can’t stand, the kid you hope she “grows away from.” This may be the reason you’ve seen a change in your teenage daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend of three months. They used to seem cute and giddy and happy-go-lucky. Now, she seems ultra-glingy and he is disinterested. It may be because they have had sex and now just the sight of him releases that oxytocin and she can’t imagine her life without him. He gets wigged out because of her intense attachment and starts to pull away. The idea of casual sex promoted in pop culture (random hook-ups and “friends with benefits’) is a fallacy. The facts about oxytocin need to be proclaimed from the rooftops of the homes of young girls to help them decide when they are ready to have sex and warn them of the risks of having sex before they are mentally and emotionally ready.
If your child is sexually active, you need to have him/her tested for STDs. While the basic tests at Health Departments and clinics do pick up on some STDs, often the free tests do not test for everything. Be specific in asking your healthcare provider what STDs are detected with the tests and what is recommended for your child.
Make the discussions about sex in your home open, honest, and often. Make your home a safe place for your kids to ask questions and be honest about the pressures they are facing. The more honest, direct, and sensitive you are, the better your children will be able to navigate the waters of sexuality.
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[1] Information gathered from the Centers for Disease Control (www.cdc.gov).
[1] Information taken from “Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student” by Miriam Grossman, M.D.
