Do you remember when you first met your spouse? Was it love at first sight? Could you feel Cupid’s arrow? Think back to your time of dating. Odds are you were trying to woo your beloved. Leaving love notes in places you knew he would find them. Making sure your shirts were ironed and you had money enough to spend on a nice dinner before you picked her up. Flowers on your one month anniversary. Most of all, you probably couldn’t stand to be away from one another and couldn’t wait until you could be together.
Now, think about what the last three months have been like with your spouse. Did you get any love notes? When was the last time you had a night out without the kids where you got to go where you wanted to go, do what you wanted to do, and eat what you wanted to eat? If you can’t remember a night like that, you need to schedule one…NOW!
Life gets in the way of a lot. We get so busy with our jobs, our kids, their activities, aging parents, our own health or illness. We have to be intentional in our relationships. The most important relationship is often the one we neglect the most. Our marriage is meant to be our rock in our crazy world. When we let other things squeeze out our marriage, we often get short with one another, we start to keep an account of wrongs and who does more for the family, and we can become resentful.
To help maintain a healthy marriage, you have to have a regular dose of fun. Here are some ideas to help you do just that:
Find Things to Laugh About
Don’t take yourself or life to seriously. Look for times to laugh with one another. Maybe it’s a funny story from when you were dating or even a funny TV show you can watch and laugh about together. Be silly with each other. Laughter is great medicine and it can often defuse tension when things are getting stressful around the home.
Plan a Regular Date Night
You’ve heard it before and it is harder than you think, but it is absolutely necessary. Your kids can survive for a few hours with a sitter and you need those hours to be able to give your undivided attention to your spouse. Set aside a day or evening to get away. Perhaps you love to go to dinner and a movie. Or, maybe you’d prefer a hike or a long bike ride. Find out what you like to do together (this may have even changed over the years) and be intentional about putting time for that activity in your calendars.
Talk Every Day
You need to connect with your spouse every day and this means more than just, “How was your day?” Often, the response to that question is a one word response (“Fine.”) or just a recap of the activities. It can be very shallow. Find a time when you can really connect. Maybe it’s 20 minutes while you’re fixing dinner. You can explain to the kids that Mommy and Daddy need time to talk with each other and send them outside or to their rooms or another room in the house with an activity (reading is a great idea) so you can talk without interruption. Or, your best time of day may be when you get up in the morning before the kids are up or at night after you’ve put them to bed. Whatever the time, just like date night, you’ll have to be intentional.
Practice Being Unselfish
If you are harboring bad feelings and resentment toward your spouse, it may be because you are looking at the relationship from a flawed perspective. You may be taking an inventory of all that you do for the family and all your spouse seems to not be contributing. When you feel those feelings start to rise, step back and begin to give thanks. Think about what life would be like without your spouse and make it a point to thank him/her for what you notice they do for you and the rest of your family. Often, when one spouse starts to pay attention to and be grateful for the things they see in the other person, the other spouse will do the same. There are some times when your resentment may be justified. In those situations, a healthy conversation practicing good conflict management techniques may be in order. Read a previous blog post on that topic here.
Spice Up Your Sex Life
Sex is one of the first things to go when you’re tired and disconnected from your spouse. It is also an area in which you have to be deliberate and purposeful when things are stressful. Ladies, your husband needs to connect with you sexually. There may be times when you are tired and would really just prefer to roll over and turn out the lights. On some of those occasions (not necessarily all), you need to prepare yourself and make yourself available. That may mean going into the bathroom and putting on a sexy nighty, spraying some perfume, and talking yourself into it. It’s okay to do this every once in a while. Men, if you want to connect with your wife between the sheets, you need to connect with her way before you want to have sex. Try helping clean up the dinner dishes, giving her a hug and kiss when you get home from work and telling her how much you appreciate all she does for the family. If you do those things before bed, it is more likely that she will want to meet your sexual needs in bed. Check out these books for healthy, clean ideas to spice up your sex life:
- Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman
- Under the Sheets: The Secrets to Hot Sex in Your Marriage by Kevin Leman
- Red-Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle by Bill and Pam Farrel
Life is busy and it can get stressful. As such, we need to be intentional in investing in our spouse. If you are to the point you feel your marriage may not be able to be saved, make an investment in your marriage and your spouse and think about marital counseling. It is one of the most important relationships you’ll ever have and one worth saving.