Most couples experience a time in their relationship when communication seems extremely risky. Partners withhold information from one another for fear that their partner will become upset or think badly about the other. “I’m afraid he’ll think I’m stupid,” or “She won’t understand. She’ll just get mad,” are common statements found in work with couples. Avoiding conflict keeps the peace in relationship (at least for a while), and most couples believe that a peaceful relationship is equivalent to a good relationship.
What most couple’s don’t know is that keeping the peace and avoiding conflict is the quickest way to a major fight. It may be beneficial in the moment, however, the tension and knowledge that conflict has been avoided soon catches up with the couple and frequent fights begin.
So why do couples continue to avoid conflict?
As stated above, conflict can be extremely risky for some individuals in a relationship. Maybe you were never taught how to have a productive fight growing up and watched your parents yell and scream night after night without resolution. Maybe your parents avoided conflict so well that you never saw them fight and aren’t sure how to fight with your partner. Whatever the reason, conflict in relationships is scary and couples work hard to avoid it.
So how can we eliminate the risk?
Eliminating the risk of conflict takes time. I encourage you to begin by telling your partner information that feels safe to you. Instead of saying “I hate the way you do everything,” tell your partner that you have noticed how differently you do things. Becoming comfortable with your partner when sharing information is important. If you feel unsafe, don’t share or think of a different way to say what you are thinking.
Over time, communication with your partner will become easier and less risky. You may begin to notice that conflict does not necessarily mean fighting or yelling but can also be productive communication. A great way to have a productive conversation with less conflict and tension is to plan the time, place, and subject you would like to talk about. Ask your partner if they have time to talk in the next 24 hours and let your partner know what you would like to talk about. Setting a specific time to speak with one another eliminates urgency and allows time to process the subject. Couples often feel less guarded and conflictual when they know they’ll be talking. I encourage you to try this with a subject you have wanted to share for a long time but have been too afraid to speak about with your partner.
If you notice that you are extremely afraid to speak with your partner and have avoided conflict in your relationship for a significant amount of time, I encourage you to seek support from a counselor who specializes in couples. Many couples have patterns of communication that are so ingrained in the couple that breaking free from the pattern is incredibly difficult and needs additional support. Learning new ways of communication takes time and investment, but is a great alternative to the end of a relationship due to conflict avoidance. If you believe meeting with a counselor would be beneficial, please call us at 595-5555 to schedule an appointment.