Have you ever been confused by how your partner shows you love? Have you ever made the complaint that you don’t feel loved by your partner to which your partner is surprised? Have you ever felt under-appreciated for something you were extremely excited about? Well, you are not alone. Interestingly enough, not all people show love in the same way. Gary Chapman has written a book titled “The Five Love Languages” to illustrate this phenomenon.
The Love Languages
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
If your love language is physical touch, then you probably feel loved when others hug you, brush against you, rub your head, give you a massage, or kiss you. Some partners require more physical touch than others because it is a means by which they experience love. If your partner is constantly touching you or wanting to be touched, then your partner’s love language is probably physical touch.
The love language of quality time requires spending time with your partner. This can be done in many ways like taking a walk, watching television, going on dates, laying together, or talking to one another. If you notice that you feel unloved when your partner wishes to do other activities than spend time with you or you desire to be with your partner more often than not, then your love language is probably quality time.
Acts of service means you show others love by caring for them. This could be doing the dishes when not asked, doing laundry, picking up dry cleaning, making meals, or picking up the house. If you are doing this for your partner or your partner does this for you and you don’t understand it, then the love language being expressed is probably acts of service.
Words of affirmation are similar to compliments. My husband is always complimenting me because his love language is words of affirmation. I do not always understand his words because my love language is different. However, when I compliment him he feels loved and cared for because I have spoken to him in his language. If you are receiving or giving compliments to your partner then you are probably showing or receiving love through words of affirmation.
The love language of gifts is shown through giving to others. This can be done numerous ways by giving a present as simple as a book or cd to something extravagant like a new car to someone, mailing cards, exchanging recipes, etc. Many people find themselves giving gifts to family, friends, co-workers without knowing they are showing their love to others through their gifts. If you often give gifts to others, then you are expressing your love through the love language of gifts.
The most interesting piece of love languages is that most people do not understand or feel loved by their partner if their partner has a different love language. Your partner may be expressing love to you all the time through a love language that you do not recognize because it’s not your own. I encourage you to discover your love language and compare it to your partners. When you have, make a list of behaviors you would like your partner to do for you so that you feel loved and can love your partner with his/her specific love language.
If you are having difficulty feeling loved by your partner and also struggle to love your partner, I encourage you to seek support from a couples’ counselor. A counselor can help you identify your love languages and different ways to feel loved in the relationship. Please call us at 595-5555 if you feel you and your partner could benefit from speaking with a counselor.