We’ve all had friends who have lost loved ones. We find ourselves grieving with our friends and wishing we could do something to ease their pain. We may have experienced a loss all our own. We want to say or do something to fix it for them.
The reality is, there is nothing we can say or do to make them feel better. Loss hurts. It hurts for a long time and no word or deed will erase that pain. And, if we try too hard to fix it or make it go away, we may do more harm than good. Here are some things not to say to someone who has experienced a loss:
- God needed another angel or God needed another beautiful flower for His garden. – This is simply not true. While this might be something we think is a nice analogy, for someone who has lost a loved one, this is hurtful.
- I know (exactly) how you feel. – No one knows exactly how someone else feels. Even if you lose someone in the same type of relationship (you and a friend have both lost a parent or a spouse), every relationship is different and people’s feelings are different.
- He’s (She’s) in a better place. – If the deceased was a Christian, this may be true. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t bring much comfort to the loved ones left behind because those loved would honestly rather have their loved one with them than in Heaven. Perhaps later this will be more comforting, but it may take quite some time for the loved one’s own loneliness and desire to have their loved one with them to be outweighed by this truth.
- At least you’re young and you can remarry (or have another baby). Thank goodness you have other children. – No relationship can replace a relationship you’ve lost. This comment makes it sound as if the deceased was dispensable and his/her place in your life was insignificant.
- This happened for a reason or Its part of God’s plan. – Sometimes we are confused as to why it happened (especially in the loss of a child or of someone who was healthy and the death was unexpected), but it doesn’t always make us feel better to think God did it or there was some reason we aren’t allowed to know regarding why our loved one was taken.
- Bible verses – This may sound bad, but many people who have lost loved ones feel as if you citing a Bible verse is meant to be a quick band-aid. Almost like, “Here’s what God’s word says, so you should believe it and feel better right now.”
- Call me if you need me or Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. – The grieving person may not have the energy to call you or know to call you for specific needs. They also hear this from so many people that they may not know who really is willing to help versus someone who doesn’t know what else to say.
Here are some ideas on how to help someone who is grieving:
- Be there. – Your presence during a difficult time speaks volumes without you ever even saying a word. Even if you don’t know what to do or say, don’t avoid the person. Be physically present with them.
- Give them a hug. – There is immense power in human touch.
- Cry with them. – Some people worry that if we cry, we will cause the person who has experienced the loss to cry. That’s okay. They will cry if they need to and sharing that emotion with someone else is extremely powerful.
- “I can’t imagine how you might be feeling. I’m so sorry.” – This lets the grieving know you feel bad and feel bad for them without assuming to know how they feel.
- Share with them a positive memory you have of the loved one. – This might be best done in a card or note. Tell them how much their deceased loved one meant to you and why. If you do this in a card, they will be able to pull it out later and read it and allow it to speak to them.
- Do something you know needs to be done. – If you know the new widow’s husband used to always mow the lawn or change the oil in her car, do it for her. You can ask them if it’s okay, but sometimes the best way to ask is standing in their yard with your lawn mower so they know they wouldn’t be putting you out or taking too much advantage of your kind offer.
- Take them a meal or organize a meal plan schedule for a group of people to provide meals. – For many people, it is difficult to find the energy or stamina to make a home-cooked meal for themselves or their families during a time of loss. Knowing that every other day members of a Sunday school class or cohort at work will be bringing over something that requires very little prep is a huge help. Be sure to try to use disposable dishes so they don’t have to worry about washing dishes and returning them to the appropriate person. It can be as simple as having a pizza delivered or picking up their favorite take-out. It might be good to set it up after their extended family return home and they have less help. Here is a free website that offers a ton of tools for organizing scheduled meals: www.takethemameal.com
- Plan a special outing or gift for the family. – Send them a gift card for their favorite restaurant and money for a babysitter. Drop off a basket full of movies and popcorn to encourage a family movie night. Pay their way to a ballgame or theater production. Help them inject a little fun back into their lives.
- Don’t forget them in the following months. – After the funeral, many people return to their regular lives. For those left to grieve, life doesn’t return to normal. They are figuring out every day, month, and year what life looks like and feels like without their loved ones. The loved one’s birthday, anniversary, first Thanksgivings and Christmases without them and anniversary of their death-these are extremely difficult times for those left behind. Try and remember those dates and call them or send a note. It will be comforting for those to know they and their loved one haven’t been forgotten.