There are many challenges faced when trying to help individuals with their grief counseling. Adults have their own challenges, but working through the misunderstandings and confusion in children can be an extremely difficult experience.
One of the hardest things to have to explain to a child is the concept of death. For many, depending on their age and development, their minds cannot comprehend the finiteness of life or the permanence of death. Many attempts adults make to explain death can actually do more harm than good. If you tell a child that Grandma has gone to sleep forever, the child may be afraid to go to sleep that night for fear he won’t wake up. If you tell a child that Aunt Betsy went away forever, it may spark a pretty fierce dose of separation anxiety and the child may not want you to leave her sight for fear the same fate may befall you.
There are ways you can help the child grieve the loss of a loved one and even the smallest of losses (the goldfish won at the county fair) is an opportunity to lovingly teach your child about the beginnings and ends of life. Here are some ways you can help your child grieve in a healthy fashion:
- Give your child permission
Let your child know it’s okay to be sad and that’s it’s okay to wish the loved one was still around. You can tell him it’s perfectly acceptable to cry and feel blue. - Allow them to see you grieve
Many times parents will avoid crying in front of their children for fear it will upset them. However, letting your child see your true feelings of grief and tears of loss speaks so much louder than just telling her it’s okay to cry and be sad. If you model it for her, she is more likely to be honest about what she’s truly experiencing. - Let your child ask questions
Many parents are afraid of questions, because we may not even feel like we have good answers ourselves. We may be asking the same questions. Don’t shut out the questions. If you can answer them, do so. If you can’t, simply say you don’t know. - Don’t be afraid to use direct language
Use the words “dead” and “death.” Call it what it is. While our children may not truly understand the depth of those words, it is much better to use the accurate language than to try to use some euphemism and end up confusing the child even more. - Allow the child to attend the funeral
Many parents are afraid that seeing the dead loved one at the funeral home, church, or cemetery will be a scarring last picture of their loved one. However, children need to be able to say good-bye. Not being allowed to go to a loved one’s funeral robs them of the chance to say good-bye in a healthy way. Talk with them about what they can expect. You can even let them be involved in the planning if possible. - Try to keep things as normal as possible
Stick to as much of a daily routine as you can. Children need the safety and security of routine as much as possible when other parts of their lives seem to be turned upside-down. - Don’t tell a child to “get over it”
Grief may last a long time. It may pop up months or even years after a loss. A small loss can trigger feelings of grief from a previous loss. So, telling a child that enough time has passed and that they need to stop being sad can be incredibly harmful. - Don’t allow them to blame themselves
Often, children will engage in what is called magical thinking. It may sound like this, “If only I had been better, Daddy wouldn’t have died in the car accident” or “If I had been a better girl, Grandma would have stayed to be with me.” Parents need to step in and correct this way of thinking. Someone’s death is not usually something we can take the blame for…our behaviors or lack of good behavior didn’t cause someone to live or die. Children need to understand that they are not responsible for their loved one’s death. - Be available
This means to be open and around physically and emotionally. Be ready to talk when they need to talk, even if it might stir things up in you. - Be willing to seek professional help
Even when parents do everything right, children can take losses extremely hard and need more to learn to live after loss. Grief counseling, grief support groups, and family counseling can be extremely beneficial for those who are struggling with the remnants of loss.
Here are some warning signs that you may need to seek help from a counselor:
- Sleep disturbance, depressed mood, eating issues that last longer than three months.
- Extreme changes in school performance (decline or overachievement)
- Appearing “perfect”
- Suicidal thoughts or actions
- Isolation from social relationships and/or family
- Problems concentrating
- Running away, illegal behavior, sexually acting out
- Belligerent behavior or hostility
- Denying pain and pretending things are okay
Children may need us to step in and help when they are especially vulnerable. Walking through the grief journey together is a great way to help each other during these difficult times.
Some information taken from “Silent Tears: The Language of Children’s Grief” by Beth Katz (2006).