Right about now, college students are feeling the pressure of finishing up their class projects, getting ready for finals, and saying goodbye to their friends. Soon, unless they’re graduating and headed off to jobs and new lives of their own, they will be facing a different kind of pressure—the pressure of managing the tension between dependence and independence when they move back home for the summer.
This is an awkward time for students and parents alike, and one that is not talked about often. College students have “launched” from home and become accustomed to doing what they want, when they want. Parents have become used to the child being gone from home and not having to consider the student in day-to-day interactions and decisions. Each has expectations of the other. Students expect the parent to help meet their needs during the summer (dependence) and yet to respect their new found autonomy (independence). Parents expect the student to behave similarly to the ways they did before they left for college and follow the “house rules,” possibly resuming some household responsibilities.
There are a few keys to help this temporary arrangement go more smoothly.
- Have appropriate expectations. Parents need to realize that a year of living on their own changes students. Students need to realize that a year of living without the student changes the parents and the household. Things will not return to the “way they used to be.” Each needs to talk about how their routines and daily operations have changed.
- Communicate clearly up front. Parents and students alike need to talk openly about what is expected of the other. Parents need to communicate the expectations they have for their child. Do you want them in at a certain time at night because you have to work the next morning? Let them know that as soon as possible. Do you expect your child to watch his/her siblings when you have a meeting or want to go out? Talk to them about this expectation. Try not to be demanding—try to ask. They are in the process of becoming adults and should be treated as such. Students need to communicate what they’ve become used to at college and be sure that the parents are okay with letting them exercise those same freedoms at home. Students also need to realize that the parents have changed and be willing to be flexible. It truly is a give and take relationship.
- If there is a conflict, deal with it quickly and honestly. There will no doubt be occasional conflicts. When this occurs, sit down and talk about it and find a solution as quickly as possible. Try to find a win-win solution—a solution in which both parties come away with what they want. Be honest about what you want and work it out. The fine art of negotiation can be the key to making this arrangement a success.
- Be flexible. Both parents and students need to realize that this is a new frontier for each person. Parents don’t have to insist on their way all the time and students need to realize that they are being supported financially and physically by being home for the summer. There has to be give and take. Being able to bend and flex when the time calls for it will help each person make a deposit in the other person’s relationship bank account.
These four keys will hopefully smooth out the major bumps in the road when it comes to managing the tension between dependence and independence. Just remember, as parents, we are raising our kids to be independent, so try not to get too frustrated when they try to spread their wings and test that independence. It’s what we’ve worked all these years to help them accomplish!