There are certain contributions in children’s’ lives that can only come from their fathers. Is this surprising? We know this is true for mothers. There are volumes of books and research that document the importance of mothers. We have phrases like “mother-love” and talk about a “mother’s intuition.” We know that mothers are biologically endowed with the ability to birth and feed their young. The special role a mother plays is uncontested.
However, there is much less research and evidence available on the impact of fathers in the lives of their children. What research does exist is just as clear as the research that exists for mothers-fathers are given certain aptitudes that are distinct, talents that fill a need in a child’s life that only a father can fill.
If you turn on the TV during any night of the week, you will often find shows that depict fathers as self-absorbed, ignorant, incompetent, uninterested, or uninvolved (that is, if they are depicted at all). The fact is, fathers make specific contributions in the lives of their children in four distinct ways: physically, mentally/emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.
Physically
Research shows us that fathers interact with their children in a more physically tactile way than mothers. Mothers’ behaviors are characterized as gentle, nurturing, soft, and caring. Fathers often engage their children in more physical ways, demonstrating a more “rough and tumble” type of play. Play between fathers and their children often includes things like tossing a baby in the air, wrestling, intense tickling and higher risk behavior. Dads are often the parent who encourages his children to be adventurous and try new things, whereas moms often urge their children to be careful. This type of play is important in the life of a child because it is the training ground where children learn rules of engagement. The wrestling or boxing only goes so far, rules are still in place that teach the children the boundaries between play and being aggressive. This type of play is extremely important for the development of healthy masculinity in boys.
Mentally/Emotionally
Research on fatherlessness is our best indicator regarding how dads impact their children’s mental and emotional development. There are scores of studies of the effects of father absence in children: higher rates of depression and anxiety, lower scores on measures of academic performance, higher rates of criminal activity, and the list of negative consequences could go on and on. Some of these effects can be explained by the financial poverty that exists, but even when that factor is taken out of the equation, the healthy development of a child without a father is at higher risk than those children with an involved father present in his/her life.
Sexually
Having two parents, one male and one female, present in a child’s life serves as a model of masculinity and femininity. Boys need an involved father to show them what it is like to be a man. This includes how a man should treat a woman. Men and women’s brains work differently and, contrary to many popular opinions, men and women are equal in all tasks. Take, for example, a mother’s ability to breast feed her children. This is a gift she is given with which a man is not biologically suited. Boys need their fathers to encourage the rough and tumble play and their God-given adventurous spirits. These personalities and drives may look different in each little boy, but it is something to which a father can relate and naturally encourage. Little girls need fathers to show them what it means to be feminine. A father’s love and encouragement of feminine behaviors reinforces her natural tendencies and teaches her that those behaviors are good and desirable from a little girl-that she doesn’t have to be a tom-boy or engage in stereotypical masculine behaviors to gain her father’s love. A father can also set the standard quite high for how his daughter should expect to be treated by the opposite sex. If a father has high standards for her daughter’s suitors and has been an attuned, involved father, his daughter will most likely adopt those standards and hold out for her Prince Charming. Research has shown that if a daughter has a positive relationship with her father, she is more likely to think favorably about men and the idea of marriage. This is not true for those girls whose fathers were unavailable, uninvolved, or absent.
Spiritually
A study by Bradford Wilcox (2002)[i] showed that a father’s spiritual beliefs and practices impacted his parenting in three distinct ways. The first was that fathers reported being involved in more one-on-one activities with their children. The second showed that fathers spent more time at the dinner table with their entire families. The third contribution was fathers spent more time in group activities with their children (coaching sports teams, mentoring through Cub Scouts or a youth group). Men who scored highest in these three categories were men who reported they were conservative Protestant or Catholic. The study also showed that church attendance increased the amount of interaction between fathers and their children and the interaction was not equal to other types of civic engagement (Rotary or Kiwanis clubs, etc;)-it was unique to church attendance and involvement. These three areas of involvement have a direct impact on how attuned and available a father is to his children. When kids see that their dads dedicate time and effort to them and their activities, it goes a long way.
Dads make a difference. Realize that the Franks and Raymonds (from the syndicated TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond”) do not have to be the standards by which we expect fathers to behave. Fathers have unique gifts that only they can give their children and we need to encourage them to do so.
Lotus Group desires to help families strengthen their relationships with each other through family counseling and we encourage you to contact us if you have questions on how to improve or strengthen your parenting skills.
[i] Wilcox, B.W. (2002). Religion, convention, and paternal involvement. Journal of Marriage & Family, 64, 780-793.