At some point in everyone’s life, you’re guaranteed to run into conflict. Conflict is like death and taxes—inevitable. But, we can learn to effectively manage conflict, even if we hate conflict. Here’s the key… COMMUNICATION! We have to communicate effectively. This comes easier for some than for others. You don’t need special negotiation training or family counseling to get along with people, but you do need to learn how to communicate effectively.
The first step is all about timing. If there is something bothering you about your spouse, approaching him right after he had a rough day at work might not be the best time. Odds are, he will sense there is tension, so you might say something like, “Things seem a little awkward between us lately. Can we set up a time when we can sit down and talk?” Pull out your schedules and find a time when you can get coffee or have the house to yourself. Make sure it’s during a time that works for both of you and that you respect each others’ time, but allow enough time to work through the issue.
The second step is to listen. For those of you that say, “Okay” and continue reading on without much thought, let me go over that again. LISTEN. Listen as if your spouse was going to ask you, “What did I just say?” when he is done speaking. You may want to even say back to them in different words what you thought they said. That way, if you misunderstood, they can let you know. So if your spouse just said, “I’m having a really hard time keeping up with all the housework since I started my night school classes” you might say, “So, you’re having trouble juggling all the demands of home and school.”
Think win-win—this is step three. If you try to figure out how each of you can get what you want, you’ll both be happier and your living environment will seem less tense. Let’s go back to the example above. Your spouse needs help managing home and school demands. You might ask what he thinks would help. If he says he could use help taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn, maybe you could offer to do those things or see if there is someone in your neighborhood you could pay to help out for a while. You both have to be willing to be flexible. It doesn’t go your way 100% of the time and it doesn’t work that way for your spouse either.
Step Four is to watch your body language and tone. I was raised in a house where our volume levels got higher when we were trying to make a point. In my husband’s family, they rarely raised their voices and when they did, it meant they were fighting. You have to watch your tone and body language. Make sure you do not raise your voice. Try to make sure your arms are not crossed and you are wagging your finger in your spouse’s face. The more open your body language, the less threatening the conversation, the more likely that you’ll both be less defensive.
Finally, Step Five is to own your own feelings and share them appropriately. Try this statement out: “I feel _______(frustrated) when you___________ (don’t do your chores) and I need you to _________ (do your chores without me asking).” You can fill in the blanks with whatever feelings and issues might arise. This little sentence is amazing! It may sound corny, but it is to getting us what we need like “please” and “thank you” are magic words to elementary school students. It really works!
Find the right time, actually listen, think win-win, watch your tone, and own and share your feelings. May sound simple, but if it was we would all be doing this all the time. It takes practice, but it works!