Moms have nine months to get acquainted with their babies in very intimate ways. Watching her own body change to accommodate the growing baby inside, feeling the baby’s first movements. All these things can endear a mother’s heart to her child. During this time there are certain experiences in which the father can share. Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, seeing the ultrasound, putting together the nursery furniture, and securing the new infant car seat for baby’s first ride. But even during these events, the father can feel somewhat disconnected and isolated from the pregnancy. It’s during this time that moms and dads have to both be intentional to be sure dad is as involved as possible in the process of preparing for and welcoming the new little addition to the family.
During that first year, the baby is usually most dependent on the mother for feeding and nurturing. This is also a time that moms need to be intentional about making opportunities for dad’s to be involved. As the child grows, moms can continue to set the stage for successful fathering from their husbands. Here are a few ideas for moms to help dads have attuned, involved roles in the lives of their kids:
- Respect the father in front of his children. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book entitled, “Love and Respect[i].” The basic premise is that a woman’s deepest need is to feel loved and a man’s deepest need is to be respected. This is especially crucial in parenting. If a mom responds disrespectfully to her husband in front of their children, it inadvertently gives the kids the impression that they can be disrespectful as well. Not to mention that there will be a tension in the marriage relationship if the spouses are not respectful of each other. This is something that can lead the children to have a sense of insecurity in the home.
- Let dads do it their way. Dads have a unique set of gifts and abilities that they bring to parenthood. They won’t parent like moms and moms shouldn’t expect them to. Dads and moms parent differently and these differences are exactly what our kids need for optimal development. So, if dad doesn’t feed the baby exactly the way mom does, as long as the baby is fed, it’s probably okay. If dad doesn’t dress the kids in matching clothes before taking them to school, it’s probably not the end of the world. Moms can empower their husbands to step forward in the co-parenting experience.
- Provide encouragement. In our society, dads are given a bum rap. Prime time television shows and movies depict dads as bumbling idiots with no skills. Some research has even suggested that kids don’t need a father in the home for healthy developments. These studies are flawed and do not equal the volumes of research that show otherwise. As moms, we have an important job to help our husbands engage with our children in meaningful ways and give them plenty of support and backing in their efforts.
- Be patient. Mothers are gifted with an intuition that is unique to mothers. It’s like a sixth sense. Moms can often tell when something is awry with someone in their household, even if they can’t put their finger on exactly what it is. This doesn’t always come as naturally to dads. Moms need to be understanding and give dads the freedom to use their natural parenting aptitudes.
Parenting is a big job and to do it well, it takes a mom and dad in a committed marriage relationship that is also committed to giving kids our best efforts. As parents, we have to help one another in any and every way we can. By giving each other room to parent using our distinct abilities, we are giving our kids the greatest foundation upon which they can build their lives and future relationship and parenting behaviors.
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[i] Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.