More than 500 million people actively use Facebook, 50% of those users log in on any random day. Users of Facebook average 130 friends and spend 700 billion minutes a month communicating with those friends. We thought the age of the cell phone would keep us connected—we had no idea the possibilities when social networking leaped onto the scene.
There are pros and cons to being connected. When the technology works you can keep up with people from Kindergarten or share the latest photos and videos of your children with their grandparents who live hundreds of miles away. However, there are downsides to being constantly connected. How do you turn it off? We’ve become addicted to constant updates and information, so much so that we have status updates sent to our phones and can now even punch a button in the car to have status updates of your friends read for you while you’re driving. There are questions about whether or not the amount of time you spend plugged into social networking sites actually affects your ability to plug in in-person. And, there is quite a debate about whether social networking is dangerous for your marriage.
If you do an internet search for the two words, “Facebook” and “Marriage” there are a host of sites proclaiming that Facebook has ruined marriages across the world. One New Jersey pastor called Facebook the “Marriage Killer.” (http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2010/11/17/nj-pastor-warns-church-leaders-to-get-off-facebook/ )
Will “Facebook” soon be listed on divorce papers next to “Irreconcilable Differences” as the reason for the breakup of the relationship?
While complete blame cannot be leveled at social networking sites for breaking up a marriage, one must examine how those sites are used and how it affects relationships. Here are some questions to keep in mind when examining how healthy social networking is for you and your marriage:
1. Is the amount of time you’re spending on social networking sites causing arguments between you and your spouse? Is the amount of time you’re spending on those sites robbing you of opportunities to interact live and in-person with your mate?
Couples often argue about one of the spouses bringing work home, or working too many hours, or tuning out the family to watch TV. Social networking sites can serve as a similar distraction. If your spouse wants to interact and you’re “plugged-in” to anything, including social networking sites, you might want to consider unplugging. Or, you can see if they are interested in engaging in that activity with you. If they don’t have a page of their own, show them who your friends are and take them to pages they would enjoy or people they would recognize.
2. Are your “Friends” or contacts causing your spouse to question who you’re talking to and what you’re saying?
Does your spouse know who your friends are? Given how connected we can become with innumerable people and the fact that you haven’t been with your spouse your entire life, the answer is most likely “no.” However, it might be a good idea to let your spouse look through your “friends” and ask any questions he/she has. Be honest. If your spouse is worried about someone in particular, consider “unfriending” that person. It’s wiser to choose a real connection over a virtual one.
3. Are you friends with a former romantic interest and does your spouse know?
This is where the rubber meets the road and where a marriage can start to turn south if you’re not careful. We need to think about our virtual actions and decide if we would have that same type of n with that other person if we were in the flesh. If the answer is “no,” beware.
4. Do you say things on line that you would hurt your spouse or that you wouldn’t want him/her to hear you say or read?
Many people use social networking sites to vent. In certain cases, and as long as it’s not all the time, this is totally fine. However, if you are making derogatory comments about your spouse, jokes at his/her expense, or being downright cruel, you are on a very slippery slope. Even if you feel secure in your marriage and your partner doesn’t seem to mind, other readers may read into what you’re writing and take that as an invitation to try to drive a wedge into your relationship in order to step in. Sound outlandish? These days, the opposite sex doesn’t seem to care that there is a ring on your finger. Tread carefully. Consider giving your spouse your Facebook password and complete access. If you have something to hide, that’s a warning sign that you may be heading down the wrong path.
We are all responsible for our actions and we have to put safeguards in place to protect those important relationships. It might be a good time to step back and examine if there is anything in your life that is a marriage killer.
The marriage counselors at Lotus Group work with couples dealing with serious marriage problems as well as those who are simply trying to improve the quality of their relationship. Contact us today to discuss how we can help you have a great marriage.