In last week’s article we discussed the first four of eight determinants of parenting[i]-the areas of our lives that we must juggle as fathers. Those four determinants were the father’s own developmental history, personality/mental health, job, and the child’s personality/mental health. Let’s take a look at the other four determinants that affect the way we parent: child’s stage of development, father’s marriage, social network/support, and spirituality/religion.
Child’s Stage of Development
At each stage of children’s development, they require different things from their parents. Parents need to know what can be expected at each developmental stage. If a parent expects an 18-month-old to be potty trained (when usually this takes place between the ages of 2 and 3) the parent is expecting something that is highly unrealistic and unlikely. This sets the stage for misunderstanding and frustration. If a father treats his 16-year-old daughter like he did when she was 12, it is going to lead to exasperation on the part of the dad and the daughter. Dads need to know what typically happens during each developmental stage so as to be prepared for how to handle the unique needs of the child during that phase.
Father’s Marriage
The old adage that “two heads are better than one” is never truer than in the context of parenting. A father who has a healthy marriage gets parenting help from his spouse, as well as emotional support. We also know that if a father is in an unhealthy marriage relationship, that stress can bleed over into his relationships with his children and have a negative effect on their social and emotional development. Research supports the idea that children have the best shot at optimal, healthy development if they are raised in a home with a mom and dad in a loving marriage relationship and that one of the best things a dad can do is show his kids a strong love for their mother.
Social Network/Support
As parents, we all need support. This support can come from extended family members or friends. Regardless of where it comes from, having emotional support and even support with day-to-day tasks (someone to help you out when you can’t pick up the kids from school or shuttle the three of them to three different extra-curricular activities in three different locations). Problems arise when our social network/support system fails to meet our expectations or become over-involved in our parenting practices. If we expect and feel we need a certain level of support and we don’t receive it, we become disheartened and discouraged. On the other hand, if our extended family/social support system gets too involved (wants to take over or consistently offer unsolicited advice) we can become frustrated at a lack of freedom to find our own way. Fathers need to examine their social supports and their expectations and find a balance.
Spirituality/Religion
Recent research shows religion to be a support for responsible fathering as well as having a positive influence on men. This idea was based on the premise that human beings were sacred and that there was a power greater than the human father involved with the father’s children. Studies also suggest religious practices (i.e., prayer, Bible reading, church attendance) can give meaning and structure to everyday family life, and, that by being involved in a faith community, a transcendent sense of connectedness can be achieved. Also, many faith communities view the marriage as sacred-living out this belief will have a positive effect on the marriage relationship and thereby affect fathering[ii]. Other studies have shown that church attendance increased the amount of interaction between fathers and their children and the interaction was not equal to other types of civic engagement (Rotary or Kiwanis clubs, etc;)-it was unique to church attendance and involvement.[iii]
There are many concepts to consider when thinking about what makes a great father. No one said fatherhood is an easy job. However, it can be one of the most rewarding roles a man can play and the dividends of healthy, happy children are invaluable.
[i] [i] Mills, B. (2006). Faithful Fatherhood: A Training Program Based on Eight Determinants of Parenting. Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, Vol 66(12-B) 6972.
[ii] Dollahite, D.C. (1998). Fathering, faith, and spirituality. The Journal of Men’s Studies, 7, 3-15.
[iii] Wilcox, B.W. (2002). Religion, convention, and paternal involvement. Journal of Marriage & Family, 64, 780-793.