If you are married or know someone who is married, then you have probably experienced or heard about struggles with in-laws. This unique family relationship has become the focus of many sitcom jokes and has been stereotyped as a difficult and frustrating relationship in our society. In many relationships, in-laws are the subject couples fight about most. But why?
The in-law relationship is unique and loaded with dynamics that are not typically found in other relationships. For starters, most people grow up with different experiences of family life. If you have in-laws then you have probably thought a time or two that they are strange, different from your family, and don’t know the “right” way to do anything. In-laws can be frustrating because they aren’t like you and they don’t intend to change and become more like you. This can make bonding and connecting with in-laws difficult.
Secondly, your marriage was most likely a statement that you no longer needed your parents the way you used to. For some parents, this can be an incredibly hard truth and change to adjust to. Parents’ patterns of taking care of their children do not cease overnight, or ever in most cases, and the transition to a new way of caring for their children is often difficult. Unfortunately, mother-in-laws have been labeled “overbearing” or “intrusive” as they struggle to find a new way to care for their son or daughter. At the same time you and your partner are learning how to be married, your in-laws are learning how to have a different relationship with their children.
So what can I do to make my relationship with them better?
Below is a list of suggestions to try with your in-laws to promote healthier relationships and understanding with them.
1. When your in-laws bother you, take a second to think about why you are bothered. Step into their shoes for a minute and see if their actions are as irrational as you imagine.
2. Be mindful that your in-laws are parenting like they have for twenty plus years. Remind yourself that learning a new way of parenting takes time and effort.
3. If you seem to be constantly bothered by your in-laws, ask your partner if you can talk about why they are bothering you. This doesn’t mean you get to yell and rant to your partner about his/her parents. This means that you think about what it is in you that is being bothered and explain your feelings and thoughts to your partner in relationship to his/her parents.
4. Set clear boundaries with your in-laws. If they seem to be calling or coming over too much, decide with your partner what would be an acceptable amount of interaction with them and then politely speak with your in-laws about your decision and why you want to set boundaries. Boundaries for your relationship are one of the best ways to maintain a healthy relationship with in-laws and promote well-being for all that are involved.
5. Remember that in-laws do not always know you are bothered by them. Being honest about how you and your relationship are affected by in-laws opens communication in the relationship and creates understandings. Assuming that your in-laws will become angry and irritated if you told them you needed space is not always correct. Try speaking with them before you make assumptions and become irritated yourself.
Managing in-law relationships can be incredibly difficult but also rewarding. If you and your partner find yourself arguing about in-laws a couple times a week and the above suggestions seem like they would not be beneficial, I encourage you to meet with a couples’ counselor. A counselor can help you sort through your family experience and help you create new, healthy boundaries with your in-laws. If you are interested in speaking with a counselor, please call us at 595-5555.