Child abuse is one of the most despised and despicable crimes a person can commit. Child abusers are seen as the lowest of the low even by other criminals in prison. We struggle to understand how someone can do such horrible things to a child. Child abuse can have a devastating effect on a victim physically, emotionally, and mentally.
One question outsiders often ponder is, “Why didn’t the child tell someone what was going on?” Often, abusers play mind games with their victims. A child sex offender may tell his victims he is teaching them how to love another person, all the while trying to make the child believe what is going on is normal between a child and an adult. An abuser may threaten his victims, telling them he will kill them or a family member if they tell their secret. An abuser may also seek out a child who is an outcast and lure the child into a relationship by treating the child as special, giving him/her gifts, and lavishing attention on him/her. Once the trust and relationship is established, the abuse begins and the child has to decide if the abuse is “bad enough” to risk losing what has become a very important relationship and the love and attention it brings. The abuser may also tell the child that no one will believe her. A child may also be worried about what other will think of her if people find out what has happened and fear people may think it is her fault.
Child abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) is very confusing to children. They often do not understand how someone who is supposed to love them can hurt them so much. Also, in cases of sexual abuse, a child may actually feel physical pleasure because of the sexual stimulation of her body parts. This pleasurable feeling is simply a bi-product of her biology; it is not something the child seeks out or wishes. This is especially confusing because it leads to feelings of guilt (“I enjoyed it, so it must not be wrong.” “I enjoyed it, so it must be my fault.” “I liked it, so it must be something I asked for.”) It also opens up a curiosity in the child that may be pre-mature (depending on the child’s age).
This confusion and pain causes a variety of reactions in children. For victims of physical abuse, they may externalize their pain and become abusers. They may harbor an anger that finds it’s outlet by hurting other people. It may not be intentional in that there is often not a sophisticated thought process behind it (“I hurt, so I’m going to hurt someone else so I can make my pain go away.”), but it is learned and almost innate. Others may turn to forms of self-mutilation (cutting or burning their bodies) as a way to deal with the pain. By cutting or burning themselves, victims report being able to feel again (the abuse often causes them to cut themselves off from their emotions and becoming numb), seeing the blood from their injuries reminds them they are truly alive (again, they may be numb or feel dead inside), and the self-injury causes a release of adrenaline in their brains which offers a short, euphoric feeling.
For others, they internalize the pain. They develop a sense of self-hatred or self-loathing. For example, if a young girl is a victim of sexual abuse, she may develop an eating disorder. She may be taking out her pain on her own body, in a twisted attempt to make herself less desirable to someone else. If she is less desirable, maybe it will protect her from being a victim in the future. A victim may also try to remove any sense of femininity. She may start dressing in a more masculine fashion or adopt a more masculine hairstyle or persona. Again, she may believe if she appears less desirable, she is less likely to be re-victimized. Some victims may become overly sexualized. She may dress provocatively and be indiscriminate in her sexual partners or sexual behaviors. In this case she might be trying to control what happens to her and the air of control gives her a sense of power she did not have when she was abused and a victim. It may also be an attempt at killing herself by contracting an STD or putting herself in dangerous situations.
Nicole Braddock-Bromley, author of Hush, shares her story of sexual abuse at the hands of her step-father. After years of abuse she was able tell her mother about her step-father’s behaviors. Her mother took steps to protect her and to stop the abuse and before his court date, her step-father committed suicide. She now travels the country speaking to young and old alike, encouraging them to break their silence. She has shared the best thing someone can do for someone who is being or has been abused is to listen. Listen to the victim’s stories and accept her for who she is and not treat her differently because of what has happened to her.
Victims of abuse often need individual and family therapy to help overcome the effects of the abuse. If you are listening to a victim’s story and feel overwhelmed at what you’re hearing, encourage that person to share their story with someone who is trained to know how to help. A professional counselor or psychologist will have the educational background and training to know how and when to step in to help victims move forward and not be defined by their abuse. Having someone like you to support them through that process will be invaluable and you may help them clear some pretty tough hurdles.
The male pronoun is being used to characterize abusers because the statistics support the fact that most child abusers are male. However, this does not mean that abusers cannot be female.
Statistics support the fact that more women are victims of abuse than men; hence the female pronoun and example will be used to describe victims of sexual abuse. However, this does not mean that victims cannot be male.