As a recently married bride who is also training as a marriage and family therapist, I have many questions to ask about the state of marriage and weddings as they are planned in our society. What are couples really planning for? Is it a magical day of beauty, radiance, love, and perfection or a lifetime of the same qualities? I feel I am in an ideal position to entertain ideas about this subject because I live between the worlds of being a bride and also having a passion for successful marriages, not simply successful weddings.
I find, and found, in the hustle and bustle of planning the “big day,” losing site of the relationship and all it stands for is easy. I encountered numerous brides during my season of “wedding planning” who were more focused on the color of linens than the current shifts in the relationship. Let’s face it. Engagement and marriage do change relationships in more ways than planning the details of a wedding and finding a place to live after the ceremony. Engagement solidifies the committment of individuals to one another, and marriage further solidifies the committment as couples vow to care for one another throughout a lifetime. I believe, in the season of engagement, couples forget about what it means to be committed, and focus on where, when, and how the committment will take place. I believe this leads to couples “let down” after the wedding day because everything planned so meticulously, so precise, and for so long, has ended and what is left is a relationship that has been neglected for a period of time.
So, what if more couples used the season of engagement to plan for their marriage instead of their wedding? What if couples were intentional about attending to the shifts in their relationship and worked to increase the satisfaction they receive from their relationship? What if they continued to grow and learn about who they are and what it means to be committed instead of hurridly planning the details of a wedding?
My fiance and I were intentional about the way we cared for our relationship as we planned our wedding. We spent “us” time every Wednesday night for the year and a half leading up to our wedding and were committed to keeping wedding details, other plans, and other people out of our time. We “checked-in” with one another about how we thought our relationship was going, what needed to be changed, and what we really liked. We chose our relationship and worked to protect it from outside stressors and chaos as we planned our future together. Now, a month after our wedding, I am beginning to realize how helpful our intentions during our engagement have been for our marriage. I am able to feel at ease when I think about living with him for a lifetime, and I do not feel scared or afraid to disagree with him because I know our committment is stronger than any conflict we may encounter. I have realized that the color of our flowers or the seating arrangement of our guests will not help us weather the storms of life together. However, our commitment and love for one another will, and our intentionality of caring for our relationship during the engagement strengthened our committment and love that we now use to maintain our marriage. (We still have Wednesday nights. This helps protect our marriage, and we just really like it!)
My passion if for pre-marital relationships, and I find extreme importance in caring for those relationships before marriage. I believe a shift toward pre-marital education and preparation in society’s push for marriage would noticably affect the state and satisfaction of marriages in our communities today. The wedding industry, (the word “industry” sounds so different than “sacred commitment”, doesn’t it?), is a multi-billion dollar per year business. I wonder what would happen for marriages if billions of dollars were spent to prepare couples for marriage or help maintain marriages as they battle the hustle and bustle of everyday life?
We, as human beings, are relational and thrive on love and connection with others, so my hunch is that marriage will remain a popular choice for most people. I do not think we need less marriage, but I do think we need more marriages that are intentional about caring for the marriage commitment. I wish couples would take time to prepare for life after the wedding. For life with problems, with stress, with disagreements, and with times of questioning. I wish engaged couples would dream about what they want their life to look like one, five, ten years after the wedding and then work to accomplish those goals, together.
My encouragement for engaged couples is to be intentional about the future, looking past the wedding date and into the committment of marriage taking place. As stated above, being intentional about the relationship will increase committment, love, stability, satisfaction, connection, and passion. My question is, are you willing to set aside the details of linens and flowers to gain these qualities for your marriage? Or, do you magically think they will appear after the wedding day?
Kristie L. Watts, MFT Intern
Written on: November 12, 2008
Image by Carpenter Photography and Design, 2008