We often have to be intentional about paying attention to our marriage relationships. Life happens. We get busy with our work lives, church lives, children’s lives. With everything on our schedules and running through our brains, we have to pause on purpose and take inventory of our marriages. Here are five signs your marriage relationship is in trouble:
- You don’t talk. Even on the busiest of days, you need to make time to talk with your spouse. It may be while you’re getting ready in the morning or before you go to sleep at night. Try to go beyond, “How was your day?” and ask about projects at work or if either had any downtime during the day. If you’re not talking, you’re in trouble.
- You don’t dream together. Sometimes we get so stuck in the past and wrapped up in our present we forget to talk about our future. A couple needs to dream and discuss what life will be like next month, next summer, in 5 or 10 years, or when the kids are grown and out of the house. Dreaming together is fun and makes sure you’re both growing in the same direction. Your interests may be different, but there are still ways you can support one another in those interests that make it a joint effort.
- You’re not intimate. Your sex life truly is a barometer of your marriage. If you’re not passionately kissing, you better start talking about why. If it’s been a while since you’ve had intercourse, a date night (no necessarily ending in sex) better be in the near future. A healthy couple has a healthy sex life. An unhealthy relationship usually slumps in this area because there is so much more to sex than an act in a bedroom. It involves being connected before the bedroom. Without that connection, there are more headaches (real or made-up) and less intimacy.
- You are constantly annoyed. If your spouse can’t do anything right in your eyes, there’s a problem. If all you see are the faults of your spouse and nothing he/she does suits you, take a step back and see if you’re being fair. Is he/she really that bad or are you just at a boiling point with his/her selfish behavior or constant nagging? The old adage “It takes two to tango” is true…no one person is completely at fault for problems in a relationship. Odds are he/she has great qualities (remember why you fell in love with him/her?) and they are being overlooked. Figure out what those qualities are and look for ways to compliment your spouse on those qualities. It just might turn things around!
- You start seeking connection in other places. We are all aware of the pitfalls of sexual affairs, but we are less aware of the pitfalls of emotional affairs. These are often pre-cursors to sexual affairs, but even if this emotional connection doesn’t lead to sex, it can still have a damaging affect on your marriage. When you look outside your marriage for feelings of significance and connectedness, it can be a recipe for disaster. While our marriages cannot meet every single need we have, we need to guard the most intimate parts of our hearts and save them for our spouses. If you start complaining about your spouse to a co-worker of the opposite sex with whom you already have great chemistry, you are playing with fire. Stop and honestly examine what is truly going on in the “friendship” and why that connection is not taking place in your marriage.
If one or more of these signs is present in your marriage, take some time to think about what might be going on. You may even need the help of a couples’ therapist or marriage and family counselor to sort through these issues. Having a third-party give you an outsider’s perspective on your relationship, communication patterns, and behaviors can help you gain valuable insight into what is going on and then help provide direction on what you can do to turn things around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Photo Credit: Dougtone on flickr