In previous posts we’ve examined the dangers of permissive parenting (parenting with few expectations of children and few boundaries enforced on children’s behaviors) and the dangers of authoritarian parenting (parenting with unrealistically high expectations of children and too many rules). It is almost overwhelming to think of how we as parents impact our kids and our need to have the right approach for their well-being. However, there is hope!
Authoritative parenting is the happy-medium of the parenting extremes. This approach takes the best of the other styles and leaves the worst behind. Authoritative parenting allows children to be children. It understands children are not simply little adults. This approach believes kids need to be guided and instructed in their behaviors, with each developmental stage having its own capabilities and challenges. This approach also understands children need boundaries and appropriate consequences when those boundaries are crossed. Here are some cornerstones of authoritative parenting:
Age-appropriate expectations
Authoritative parents know kids have different capabilities at different ages. To expect a one-year-old to potty train with little effort is not an age-appropriate expectation. While there may be some children who are ready to potty-train completely, those children are the exceptions. Most children aren’t ready to potty train until somewhere between 18 months old and 2 years old. (Some children aren’t ready until after their second birthday.) To expect a 13-year-old to never have a cross attitude is also not age-appropriate. It is during those crucial years a child is going through hormonal changes and trying to define himself/herself as separate, yet connected, from his/her parents. Cross-attitudes are often the rule, not the exception. (Authoritative parents understand you cannot discipline an attitude. What do require discipline are the actions prompted by the attitude.) The authoritative parent educates the children on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and is consistent in expecting acceptable behavior from the children.
Age-appropriate consequences
Authoritative parents know kids respond to different consequences at different ages. While some parents believe spanking should never be used as a discipline technique, spanking is never appropriate before 18 months old. A baby’s brain cannot make sense of the cause and effect sequence of behavior. Redirecting the child’s attention to a more appropriate activity or object is the best method of intervention. Spanking a child over 12 is also not an age-appropriate consequence. By this time there are plenty of privileges that can be taken away and spanking is no longer appropriate.
Consequences fit the rule violations
Authoritative parents understand that each rule must have a fitting consequence in order for learning to take place. If a 14-year-old gets grounded for three months for a poor test score, somewhere in that three month period, the child will probably forget the original reason for the grounding. At the same time, taking away the video game system for the day after getting caught sneaking back into the house at 3 a.m. is not an adequate consequence. The weight of the rule and the weight of the consequence must be similar in order to promote learning.
There is some room for discussion/negotiation
Authoritative parents must allow for some flexibility. They understand children, almost from day one, are inserting their personal wills into their world and trying to earn some independence. (This is one reason one of the first words a child learns is often, “No!”) Authoritative parents are not interested in breaking a child’s will, but directing the child’s will in a positive direction. A child with a broken will is a broken, hurting child. A child whose will was molded by the teachings of loving, caring parents is a child who can stand on his/her own two feet and not be swayed by the negative behaviors of those around him/her. This should be the hope of all parents for their children. One way to do this is to allow your child to talk with you about your rules and expectations in a respectful fashion. Let them tell you, again respectfully, what they feel is fair and unfair. Ask them what they might suggest in place of your ideas. If they have a point and have a good solution, try it for a while. If they blow it, sit them down and talk with them about their transgression and then talk about returning to the formal rules and why. It doesn’t mean they will like it, but it is teaching them their behaviors have consequences and sometimes negotiations are rescinded when one party doesn’t follow-through on their end of the agreement.
Realize kids are not perfect
Think back to the decisions you made when you were your kids’ ages. They weren’t always the best or smartest. (Anyone ever try to fly from the second story window or date someone your mother warned you about only to be hurt in the end?) Cut them some slack and offer them some grace when they need it. When faced with a decision about whether or not a behavior needs punished, ask whether or not it was a willful, known act of disobedience. (Was it an accident? Had you told them 50 times not to take grape juice in on the new couch and they did it anyway? The spill may have been an accident, but putting the juice on the new couch was disobedient.) Do they have a bad attitude? If yes, are they disrespectful to you when they have a bad attitude? Think about your attitude at work. Even when you are upset or you don’t feel well, you know how to behave yourself when the CEO walks in the room . You have to train your kids they can have bad attitudes, but how they treat others when they feel crumby is what is important and what can potentially get them in trouble. If they blew it on a Chemistry test, give them some space to be upset. If their game system is broken, give them room to be sad, but begin training them to not let their emotions dictate their behaviors. It’s a valuable lesson even we adults need to be reminded of from time to time!
The counselors at Lotus Group provide quality care and are available to you to speak about parenting styles or other family counseling topics that may be needed in your home. Don’t try to work though some of these challenging issues alone. We want to be a resource for you and your family in any way that we can. Just contact us today.
