If you think hard enough, you’ll remember. Everyone has had at least one person in his life that has made him feel small. We can probably all remember where we were, what was said, and how we felt when we were bullied. Maybe the bullying was done by classmate. Perhaps it was done by a parent. Whoever the perpetrator, the hurt it caused the victim is scarring and unforgettable.
Bullying is a serious issue that need not be overlooked. The childhood saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a lie. Words do hurt and sometimes bullying goes beyond words to physical aggression. Years ago, the wisdom surrounding how to handle bullying was to ignore it and it would make you stronger. Parents believed that children needed to learn to handle their own problems and that intervening would make their children weaker or cause even more bullying when the parents or authority figures were not around. However, bullying has become more dangerous in recent years. Given the constant bombardment of media, bullying can be done even when the bully or the victim is not even in the same vicinity. There have been numerous cases of cyber-bullying reported in recent days. The bullying had become so unbearable, that numbers of victims decided it would be easier to take their own lives than to live another day under that type of torture.
When a child is being bullied parents and authority figures must act quickly and carefully. We shouldn’t shelter our kids from any type of conflict. It will handicap them for real life and they need to learn how to successfully manage situations in which people do not agree or get along. However, our children are not mini-adults. To send them back out on the playground to fall prey to a ruthless bully before they have the skills necessary could also prove disastrous. Here are some things to keep in mind and try in cases of bullying:
Teach your child early how to be kind and treat others with respect
Children learn to bully. They may see it modeled in their homes or on TV. We need to teach our children empathy-what it feels like to walk in someone else’s shoes. Ask question like, “When your brother didn’t include you when he was playing with his friends, how did that feel?” Then, encourage him to include other people so as to not let them experience what he felt by being excluded. Ask, “How did it feel to rake up the leaves in Mrs. Brown’s yard?” Then, encourage him to look for different ways to be kind to those around him.
Is there threat of physical harm?
If so, act quickly and take whatever steps necessary to protect the child who is being targeted. Do whatever is needed to stop the physical violence.
Talk to your child
If your child is the victim, talk to him about how he feels about what is going on and give him a safe place to express his feelings. Don’t brush off his anxiety about school or situations in which he may be bullied. (This is often the response to boys who are being bullied. We want to toughen them up. This can be a hazardous response.) Ask him what he has tried in terms of escaping the bullying. Has he told his teacher or a trusted adult? If so, what was the response? If not, why not? If your child is the bully, talk with him about what he is thinking during the times he is picking on another child. Ask him how he feels when the other child responds to the bullying (crying, running away) and if that is satisfying to him in some way. Ask him how he feels when he is bullied (by an older sibling or other child?) and if he likes to feel that way. Ask him how he feels when he is punished for the bullying behavior. There is something going on at the root of the bullying that needs to be explored and worked through in order to stop the behavior. Often, we find that the bully learned his behavior from someone in his own life. See if you can find out where this behavior was learned and be sure that type of environment is avoided.
Talk to the authority figures involved
Talk to the teachers, bus drivers, or group leaders who are around when the bullying is occurring. What are they observing? What steps are taken to stop the behavior? If you are not satisfied with what is being done to remedy the situation, make suggestions about what you feel is needed and help be part of the solution.
Monitor your child’s online and digital activity
Bullying doesn’t just happen on the playground. It can be done through harassing text messages or Facebook pictures/posts. Know what your kids are doing online. Know who their contacts are online and on their phones. Having online social network accounts and cell phones are privileges, not rights. If your kids don’t want to give you access to those contacts, do not allow them to have those means of communication. Read the posts and the texts and talk with your child about what is appropriate and inappropriate. If you find that your child is a victim, keep the records and show them to people who can help. Block those people from having access to your child. If you find that your child is being a bully, have that same conversation about what is appropriate and inappropriate and take away that means of communication until your child understands the seriousness of his/her behavior and can use it appropriately.
Remove your child from the situation if necessary
Changing schools may sound like a drastic step, but it may be the crucial step needed in order to save your child. The emotional and social wounds of bullying can run deep and even traumatize a child. Even teenagers have been so ruthlessly attacked that they have committed suicide. Do not think that simply because your child is older that he/she should be able to handle the situation. You may need to step in and take the big steps necessary to protect your child from further hurt and pain.
The fact is bullying has gotten worse and more ruthless than when we were kids and has taken on different forms. We must take the necessary steps to teach our children well while they are young and protect them when faced with physical or psychological bullying.
For help with bullying and other family counseling topics, contact Lotus Group to schedule an appointment.