When life hands us lemons, we’re supposed to make lemonade. Some of us turn lemons into that sweet and sour liquid refreshment easier than others. For our children, it may be important for us to allow them to try their hand at lemonade making rather than us doing it for them. Often, they require professional help to deal with life’s lemons. At times, an outside perspective is extremely helpful. So, how can we as parents support our children while they are in therapy? Here are a few ideas:
Be patient.
Therapy takes time. It takes time for the therapist to gain your child’s trust. It takes time for your child to open up. It takes time for the therapist to learn enough about your child’s personality to know what interventions to use or suggest. We want speedy results, but when dealing with issues of the heart and mind, fast isn’t always possible and may indicate the change or improvement was temporary or shallow at best. How long did it take for your child to develop the things he is in therapy to change? It may likely take that much time or longer to change those ways of thinking or patterns of behavior.
Communicate with the therapist, but don’t pry.
You are paying for the services, so you have the right to know what’s going on. You also have the responsibility to know if you can support what the therapist is encouraging in the life of your child. (It is important you find a therapist who supports your moral standings. If you want your children to abstain from sex until they are married, you don’t want a therapist who is going to encourage your children to push you to put them on birth control or supply them with condoms.) However, you have to temper those rights and responsibilities with the best interest of your child. If you child thinks you are calling after every session and getting a play-by-play account of what she shared, she may not feel she can talk openly with the therapist. Ask general questions of the therapist and let your child know what you plan to ask. Some of those questions can include:
- Is my child opening up?
- What are the general areas about which you are talking with my child?
- What can I do to support healthy change in my child based on what you’re hearing and learning?
Communicate with your child, but don’t pry.
Ask him how things are going. Inquire about whether or not he likes the therapist. Ask him if he thinks it’s helping or what could make it better. Try not to ask all these questions in rapid fire mode after every session.
Give the therapist room to work. Therapists have the luxury of having an outside perspective. They often see things we don’t. They may suggest strategies you might initially think sound silly or like they won’t work. Give it a try for a while. There is a great deal of science and research behind good therapy and interventions good therapists use. It’s a bit like medical treatment. You share your symptoms with a doctor and they go through their decision tree and choose the least invasive treatment first. If it works, great! If not, the physician goes back to the decision tree and tries the next course of treatment. Some treatments work the first time for some patients, other don’t. It’s a similar approach in therapy.
Expect to be asked to change.
The idea of dropping your child off at therapy for someone else to “fix them” is unrealistic and flawed from the start. Children usually do not make lasting changes in a vacuum. They need their system to change. You are part of that system. It may mean your child asks you to be more verbally positive and less critical. He may ask you to be more physically present and not work so much. She may ask to change the way the two of you handle conflict in your relationship. Whatever it is, expect that your child will not be the only one to change. Be open to examining, your child’s unique personality and needs, your relationship with your child, and how the two of you interact. You may be surprised to find that your child being in therapy is good for both of you!
