With the recent Memorial Day celebrations, our minds have been aware of the efforts of our military men and women. Not only do they risk their lives to protect our freedoms, they sacrifice hundreds of Kodak moments and milestones with their own families during deployment. Some soldiers miss the birth of their children, their first words, first steps, high school graduations, weddings, and so much more.
One would think that the happy reunion that occurs when a soldier would be the tip of the happy iceberg. Unfortunately, re-adjusting to domestic life has more than its share of battles. Some of those battles may prove more formidable than the skirmishes they faced while abroad. Here are some things to keep in mind when helping a soldier return home and create a “new normal:”
Soldiers sometimes have a hard time finding their place
Life has gone on at home without the soldier. Spouses and children have developed systems of operating on a daily basis without their loved one. However, when their soldier returns home, he/she needs to find his/her place. This requires flexibility on the part of every family member. If Dad was responsible for helping with homework before he was deployed, the family needs to work hard to figure out if that is where Dad can fit in again or if there is somewhere else his attention is needed. If it was Mom’s job to get the lunches packed for school every morning, perhaps she can resume that duty after returning from deployment.
What to do about it: Open communication between the spouses is a must. If the soldier is not feeling as if he has a place, he needs to speak up. If the family is feeling like the soldier isn’t involved, look for ways to lovingly communicate this and invite him/her into the existing system. The family will also need to be willing to change their existing system if necessary.
The soldier may be different
War has a way of changing soldiers. They often see unspeakable acts of violence. They often experience deep losses when those around them are killed. Those losses may also lead to survivor’s guilt (“Why did he die and I survived? He deserved to live more than I do. He was a better soldier.”) These emotions and experiences are more powerful than anyone can imagine. They have a way of changing the person. Soldiers, while trained, are still human. There is also a code (often unspoken, but is widespread and sometimes spoken) that soldiers are supposed to be strong and shows of emotion denote weakness.
What to do about it: We need to understand that soldiers often live by this code and it is difficult to get them to share those feelings and experiences. BUT, it is SO important. Without sharing, healing will take much longer or may not happen at all. We need to give them space to have those feelings and encourage them to share without pushing too hard. Pushing too hard, too soon will cause resentment and end up alienating the soldier.
Soldiers need time
Our country has been at war for over a decade. The mental stress of a continual threat to life a soldier faces during deployment alone would be enough to make the strongest man or woman crack. Add to that the physical demands and emotional pressures and it’s no wonder our soldiers have difficulties re-adjusting to life at home. Our soldiers will return even more hyper-vigilant than before they left and that is normal. Helping them understand exactly how normal those experiences can be is freeing and helps to lift the load from their already tired shoulders.
What to do about it: Be patient and give them time to adjust. If you do this and practice the open communication tip presented above, it is a one-two punch that can move a soldier through the re-adjustment process. It is not easy and can often be frustrating, but it is so worth it. Our soldiers need it in order to be successful at work and at home.
There may be cases in which a soldier needs the help of a mental health professional to overcome some of the trauma of war-time. There is no shame in seeking help and it is well worth the investment of time and money. The military branches often offer free mental health counseling and services. Help from a chaplain or religious advisor may also prove valuable.
