In the last blog we examined Reasons #4 and #5 regarding why couples argue – children and housework. In this blog, we’ll look at the top three reasons and offer some suggestions on how to navigate each one.
#3 WORK
Jobs have become more and more demanding over the years and, unfortunately, many of them are not very family friendly. You often don’t get a promotion for working a normal eight hour day and then going home to your family on time. Bosses often reward those who put in extra hours and extra effort; however, sometimes it often means we have to sacrifice our families. We’ve also become more materialistic, so we work longer hours to get the raise to buy more stuff.
How to Help: Keep things in perspective. Do you really NEED more stuff? You’ve likely heard stories about millionaires-people who are successful in the eyes of society-wishing on their death beds they hadn’t worked so hard and wishing they had spent more time enjoying life and their loved ones. Your spouse doesn’t really need more things. He or she needs more of you. Ask your spouse to rate you as a husband or wife on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being needs lots of work and 5 pretty darn good). See what he/she says. Ask them what you can do to get a higher number. Odds are if you’re a workaholic, he/she is going to ask for more quality time and quantity time with you. Talk about what is expected of you at work and how you can juggle work and homelife. It is possible if you’re willing to make it work. It may mean you don’t get a promotion or you don’t take that new position within the company you were hoping for. But, in the long run, it will be the wisest decision you may have ever made.
#2 SEX
It can be one of the biggest blessings in a marriage, but it can also cause quite a bit of strife if there are troubles. Sex is one of the first things to tank when a marriage is going south. The individuals do not want to be intimate when there are problems. Often times, if you’re working on the other four issues couples fight about, this one might not be an issue. However, that’s not always the case either. It could be due to one individual having a traumatic sexual history or one individual having more experience than other. A man and woman are wired differently when it comes to sex. A man is aroused by sight. Plain and simple. A woman is aroused by emotional connection. Knowing this is nearly half the battle.
How to Help: Talk about it. Talk about your histories. Talk about what you like and what you don’t like. Talk about how often you want to have sex. Sex begins with talk, especially for a woman. If her husband has not been affectionate before the bedroom or has not been connected with her before he wants her to get dressed, she may end up having a “headache” or being too tired. For a woman, the emotional connection has to be there before she will feel aroused enough for intercourse. It is important for wives to keep in mind that a man needs sex for many different reasons. Men need it for connection to their wives. They also need sex as a release for stress and anxiety. If they are overwhelmed at work, coming home and having sex won’t fix everything, but it will help. If a man isn’t getting the physical connection at home, he is often tempted to find it elsewhere. It doesn’t excuse or condone cheating of any kind. However, men are bombarded every day with visual stimuli of beautiful women-in the checkout line at the supermarket, walking through the mall…anyone see the Victoria Secret fashion show on TV the other night? If men are being tempted, wives need to do what they can to be sure their husbands can stand up under the temptation. Sex is a dance between two people that starts before you get between the sheets. Men need to help their wives feel connected emotionally and women need to help meet the physical needs of them husband. Both are important and necessary.
And the number one reasons couples argue:
#1 REASON COUPLES ARGUE – MONEY
This is probably no surprise. Times are hard everywhere here in the states. We’re not able to spend and maintain the types of lifestyles to which we’ve become accustomed. It’s hard to cut back and tighten the belt financially. This argument is also often at the root of the other reasons why couples argue (money and work go hand-in-hand). For some, it’s a control issue. Whoever brings in more money has more say in how it’s spent, right? Wrong. Everything in marriage should be a partnership, including saying how money is earned and spent.
How to Help: Budget. Yep, there it is. The ugly word no one likes and is no fun-BUDGET! But, it’s so true. Having a plan for how much money comes in and where the money goes out helps everyone take responsibility for the family finances. Experts like Dave Ramsey or the late Larry Burkett have tried and true tested models for how to budget, get out of debt, and live owning your money instead of your money owning you. Try to only spend what you bring in. Set aside $1,000 in an emergency fund to cover when your fridge breaks or your washer starts spewing soap bubbles. Cut up your credit cards and pay cash for what you want. Saving cash to get something you want helps you value the hard work that went into earning that money and helps you make wise decisions with how it’s spent. Talk together about where your money goes and your priorities. Talk about how much you’ll tithe to your church and give to worthy causes who ask for donations throughout the year. When you got married, your money started to belong to each other. There is no mine or hers unless you each give yourself an agreed upon “allowance” for fun expenditures each month. Work together to ease the arguments.
Arguments will come regardless of what you do. We are selfish beings and we get tired, sick, and cranky at times. However, having a plan in these areas wards off most biggies at the pass. If you find one of these areas seems to be a constant struggle, consider talking with marriage or family therapist. Find someone you can both agree upon (and afford) who has a license in your state. Investigate whether or not they share the same values as you. These professionals are a wealth of information from whom you can seek clarity and options. They will not tell you what to do, but they will help you sort through your options and the consequences of each one so you are well-informed when you make your decisions. The outside, fresh perspective is often just what the doctor ordered!
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