Every couple argues. You’d be hard pressed to find a couple married for any length of time who can say they have never had an argument. Even marriage experts fight with their spouses from time to time. When you put two people, with two separate histories, two separate opinions and ways of doing things, you are bound to have disagreements. And no everyone has been taught how to “fight fair.” Maybe you didn’t see your parents argue or maybe you saw your parents argue all the time in an unhealthy way. Whatever the reason, it is never too early to learn how to handle disagreements in a healthy fashion.
But, what are the most common reasons couples fight? We’ll give you the top five in reverse order and some helpful hints with each one:
#5 HOUSEWORK
The days where every household was a one-earner households (where one spouse goes to work and the other stays home) are behind us. While there may be a resurgence of stay-at-home mom and dads, many households contain two spouses with jobs and careers. It has forced us to redefine who takes care of the household responsibilities. What used to be considered “woman’s work” is now up for debate.
How to Help: Talk about it. Talk about what chores you like to do and see what chores your spouse likes to do. If neither of you likes to clean the toilets, flip a coin to see who goes first and then switch the next week. Write it down so you are each on the same page and know what is expected of you each week.
#4 CHILDREN
While kids are a source of great joy, pride, laughter, and fun, they are also a source of lots of work and occasional frustration (okay, maybe more than occasional). Often, kids get smart enough to try to pit one parents against another. This is especially hard if you’re divorced from the child’s biological parent, and even more complicated if you’re remarried.
How to Help: Start talking about kids and how you want to raise them early. In fact, you need to discuss in your dating relationship whether or not you even want to have children of your own, if you want to adopt, or if you want to be a foster parent. These types of discussions early can help you avoid some major pitfalls in your marriage relationship. Talk about how you will discipline them (do you believe in spanking or time-outs or both). Once you’re married, you may need to talk every day about how things are going with your kids. Talk about what’s working and what isn’t. Talk about what role you want to play (Do you feel like you’re always the bad guy? Ask for help with the discipline.) Be sure you’re on the same page about issues like: bed time, how old she has to be before she can date, curfew, rules about the car, how to behave in the grocery stores, how you will reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. Just as our kids change, so must our strategies in parenting, so these conversations need to be ongoing.
If you need help figuring out how to juggle the housework or how to parent a difficult child and keep your sanity and marriage together, you might want to consider talking with a third person like a marriage therapist or family counselor. They are trained to offer suggestions and help guide you into good decisions with your marriage and your family. Life is tough. There’s no reason not to ask for help when you need it!
Contact us if you’d like more information and resources for improving relationships in your family.
