Rigid. Loose. Open. Flexible. Impenetrable. All these words can be used to describe boundaries. Just the word “boundaries” can evoke fear or distaste. Whatever comes to mind when you hear that word, boundaries are a necessary and healthy part of any family life.
Kids need boundaries. Actually, kids want boundaries. This may sound like a contradiction to what you actually experience in parenting because kids usually push and test limits more than they embrace them. How many times have you promised yourself that you would never utter the words “because I said so” and then heard yourself say them in a firm and exasperated tone when your tween questions why she can’t stay overnight at an unsupervised friend’s house? Or, how many times have you felt like you’ve said “No touch” to your toddler every time he waddles over to your fireplace and wants to chew on the poker?
The fact is, boundaries help our kids feel safe. Because they are young, immature, and inexperienced, their main focus is to explore the world around them. As parents, it is our job to help them explore in a safe way—allowing them to learn and grow, but within proper limits. It’s natural for them to test the limits. They are trying to learn what is real and what is not, what is fixed and what is flexible. There are times they need absolutes—“no, you cannot put your fingers into the outlet”—and times when they need flexibility—“sure, you can have an extra half an hour added to your curfew tonight.”
As parents, we have the tough responsibility of deciding when to be flexible and when to stand firm. This can be tricky. The world changes, our kids change, and their friends. Thirty years ago the major problems in school were talking in class and chewing gum. Now, the major problems in school are violence, cheating, sex, drugs, and alcohol. Quite a different picture. Does this mean we should ground our children to their rooms until they are 18 or older? As tempting and protective as that might sound, it would probably be pretty harmful in the end. That approach would send them to college completely sheltered and unequipped to handle the stresses of early adulthood.
Instead, we need to have relationships with our kids in which we can talk openly together about the tough issues. Explain to them the reasons for your boundaries (rules) and let them talk with you (respectfully) about what they don’t like. As they grow, your boundaries in some areas may get more flexible as they show they are able to handle the added responsibility. If they lose your trust, the boundaries may need to be tightened until that trust can be earned again. Talk with them about the pressures they will face and discuss ways out before they are ever faced with those choices.
Kids don’t need another friend in their parents. They need parents who are attuned to their needs, with whom they can talk, but in whom they can trust to have their best interests at heart—even when they push the limits. Don’t cave in just because you want your kids to like you. As they grow and become parents themselves, they will most likely gain a sense of perspective that the rules they once hated and complained about are actually the things that protected them and helped them avoid pain and heartache. We parents can shoulder the complaining if it produces healthy, happy adults in the long run. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Be the parent—your kid will thank you for it later!
Sometimes parenting can be overwhelming. Lotus Group family counselors are here for you. Don’t go it alone. Call us to discuss how we can help you and your family.
