Patients come in daily and share their stories with therapists. They recount and retell details of experiences they have had that have shaped them in some way. Therapists listen and attempt to assist the patient make the changes they seek. One important thing any good therapist realizes is that the story that is told is that patient’s perception of actual events. If you ever took a Psych 101 class you probably talked about eye-witness memory—the idea that many different people can see the exact same event and recall details differently. The color of the car involved in the hit and run, the clothing the victim was wearing, who stepped up first to help or call for assistance.
Given that we all have different “lenses” or filter through which we view and process information, it is important to recognize that simply because we interpret a situation in a given way, it may not always be 100% accurate. There are many areas in life in which this is extremely important.
Let’s take our parenting relationships. A patient once told the story of her interactions with her father. She revealed how he never really told her he loved her and how this made her feel as if she had to earn his love by accumulating accomplishments those around her thought were important. She wanted to make her dad proud, hoping then he would express his affection for her. Sometimes he did and sometimes he didn’t. Through the course of her treatment, she asked him to come to a few therapy appointments with her. Turns out, her father simply did not know how to express his love to her and did, in fact, care for her deeply and was immensely proud of the woman she had become—not because of her successes, but because of who she was as his daughter. When the patient heard her father say this, years of sadness and resentment began to melt away. She had shared with him her perceptions, and in turn, gained a new perspective.
Examining our perceptions and perspectives in our marriages can be helpful as well. Each partner comes into the relationship with a history of encounters that shape the way they view love and connections. When our mate responds to us in certain ways, it pulls up memories of past occurrences that can be either positive or negative. When we bring the past into the present we must ask ourselves if the situations are the same (sometimes it is) or if we need to look at this situation separately from our previous experiences.
Examining our biases based on our pasts and choosing our perspectives instead of our perspectives choosing us can save us a world of hurt and frustrations. When we seek to communicate clearly in the moment, to save ourselves from being misunderstood (like the father in the first story) and when we take inventory of our “individually tailored-lenses” through which we view ourselves, others and the world, our relationships are safer, stronger, and more fulfilling all the way around.
