A term has emerged in recent years that has become pretty familiar to anyone who has kids or works with kids: helicopter parents. This term describes a generation of parents who feel it is their life’s mission to protect their children from any type of harm, negativity, or undesirable event. While this may sound like a noble quest, it may actually be setting our kids up for a rude awakening.
We have raised a generation of children who have been told they are all winners, that they can do anything they put their mind to, and that everyone is equal in talent and ability. However, if you look at our society as a whole, we know that not everyone wins (even the good guy), that we can’t do something simply because we’re determined, and that not everyone has the same talents or abilities. Our kids are also being taught that rules are flexible and that there are no absolutes. We know this is not the case. Take, for example, a West Point cadet. That cadet works hard to get the letters of commendation from his/her state representative and congressperson, get near perfect grades, and get accepted into West Point. Once there, the Pleebs learn the honor code—a set of guidelines and rules that are strictly enforced. A cadet gets caught cheating—he’s out. A cadet gets caught lying—home she goes. And that’s not the end of the consequences. That cadet has racked up a debt by attending West Point that must be repaid in military service—even if he/she doesn’t graduate. So, the cadet gets booted out of West Point and endures that shame, doesn’t get a degree, and has to spend time in military service with next to nothing to show for it. Harsh? Maybe. Did the cadet know that the moment he/she stepped foot on the West Point campus? You betcha.
Rewind a bit. Let’s say that future cadet is a junior in high school and is struggling in English. He begins to fear that if he doesn’t do something drastic that he will fail his Literature class and thereby jeopardize his football season and his shot at getting into the Academy. So, he starts to search online for papers he can buy to submit as his own. His teacher catches on and confronts him on his dishonesty and plagiarism. The consequence according to the class policy: he automatically fails the class. Enter the parents: they also fear his admittance into West Point is at risk. They fight tooth and nail with the teacher and principal, threatening to go to the school board, if their son fails the class. They cite that this is the first time he’s done something like this and that other students do it all the time and don’t get caught. They argue that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. They go as far as calling a friend who happens to be a lawyer. After all the pressure, the principal overrules the policy and lets the student who lied and plagiarize pass with C.
What has this taught the student? That lying and plagiarizing is wrong? We can hope so. However, this is happening all the time and more and more it is teaching our kids that the rules don’t apply to them as long as their parents swoop in and cause a big stink. They are learning that many times, there are no negative consequences to their actions. And, in the rare instance of negative consequences, it is not the student’s fault, but the lack of compassion and harshness on the part of the person who is holding them accountable.
Instead, it might be a good idea to let our kids suffer some natural consequences. None of us want our children to go through hard times, but we can all look back at some difficult times in our lives and cite the lessons we’ve learned. If our kids don’t experience some struggles, what lesson will they be missing out on? We need to be our children’s biggest cheerleaders and protectors, but we also need to provide for them an environment in which they can learn and grow. There’s another term we might have forgotten—growing pains. Sometimes growing and maturing into adulthood hurts, but is necessary in becoming a productive, adult member of society.
Sometimes parenting can be overwhelming. Lotus Group family counselors are here for you. Don’t go it alone. Call us to discuss how we can help you and your family.
