Pornography has been around for centuries. One of the earliest forms of pornography consisted of sexually explicit engravings[i]. Today, pornography ranges from magazines, to movies, to downloads on your handheld device. What was considered extreme in the early 1900’s barely makes us blush these days. What used to be labeled extreme now airs on primetime television in the form of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show or comes in our mailbox disguised by the title “Sports Illustrated.” There have even been debates and news stories about whether or not pornography viewing should be allowed in vehicles equipped with DVD players. What used to be done in back rooms of saloons is now more accepted and less taboo thanks to folks like Hugh Hefner and businesses like Playboy and Lion’s Den. There are even discussions among married folks about using pornography to enhance partners’ performance in the bedroom.
Pornography is not only less taboo, but it is more accessible now than ever. Even the local video store has a back room for “adults only.” We have to be careful when we run a search on the Internet, because typing in the word “sex” will land you on all kinds of images and websites, even if you were simply looking for statistics on sexually transmitted diseases among college students. Download a game on your iPhone and you have to be mindful of the ads for hot singles in your community that show scantily clad women in suggestive poses.
Here’s the problem with porn (okay, more than one problem). It’s addictive. It’s fake. It sets our men (and now women) up for disappointment in their sex lives. It objectifies women and turns them into “tools” for men to use to gain sexual satisfaction and objects to be used and abused and toss aside once they’ve served their purpose.
For something to be considered addictive a few things have to happen. It takes away your control. You may start out using just a little bit and think it’s no big deal. Before long, you realize you don’t get the same feeling with the same amount and so you end up looking at it more. Then, even the increased amount of time isn’t enough. You start looking at harder porn (more violent, more involved, more sexual). Then, you use it even if there are severe consequences (gets in the way of your dating or marriage relationships). For some, watching someone else act out a fantasy isn’t enough-you decide to have a one-night-stand, hire a prostitute, or have an affair with a co-worker because of the thrill of getting caught. You risk it all because you need a fix.
If you’re addicted to porn, it’s hard to have a healthy sexual relationship. You become accustomed to racy pictures or scenes and when the people with whom you’re involved don’t live up to what you’ve been feeding your mind, it is hard to get aroused or have an orgasm and those real relationships fall short to the images that play over and over in your mind. Pornographic pictures are airbrushed and the models don’t really even look like that in real life. So, when you see a beautiful woman who has not been touched up, she’s not as attractive as the fantasy girl in your mind who doesn’t even exist because she has normal flaws (her nose isn’t perfect, her skin isn’t as smooth, etc.).
Viewing pornographic images burns those images into your memory. Those memories do not go away. In fact, even if you stop viewing pornography altogether, even after years of being “clean,” one sexual encounter or experience can trigger those memories and you can’t fully be present in the moment. There are married men and women who long to truly be “with” their spouse, but struggle because when they are sexually intimate with their spouse, they are flooded with pictures and images from the porn they have watched over the years.
Pornography does not enhance a marriage. It sends the message to the partner that they need help between the sheets. It tells him/her that in order for you to be sexually satisfied, he/she needs to act like someone else. If you need to bring pornography into you marriage, ask yourself, who are you really thinking about when you are having sex with your partner? Your partner or the person in the video or pictures?
Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry (yes, billion with a B). If you ask men who have been incarcerated for rape and sexual assault, 100% of them would say that they were involved in viewing pornography and the majority of them would admit to viewing the type of violence they perpetrated in pornographic movies. The pornography producers say they aren’t to blame. If people would stop buying it, they wouldn’t produce it. They call it entertainment. You may think because you have not raped or sexually assaulted anyone that there is no harm in pornography use. But, you may want to take an honest look at the health of your relationships and consider if your relationships and connectedness with those around you would improve if pornography was not in the picture. If you take inventory of the health of your relationships and think you need to make a change, there are hosts of therapists and counselors in the field that have special training as sex therapists who can help. They can help if you’re single or even if you’re married and your sexual intimacy is lacking. By stepping out of the fantasy and into reality, you take a step closer to sexual wholeness and healing.
[i] http://www.pornographyhistory.com/
