Around December 26th, heart-covered cupid displays begin showing up in storefront windows all across the country. It’s now nearly February and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Love is in the air. Also over the Christmas holiday, many gentlemen wanted to change history by proposing to their lovely ladies in horse-drawn carriages being pulled through the snow or by hanging the engagement ring in plain sight on the Christmas tree.
As much as greeting card companies and florists love Valentine’s Day, we know there is more to the love behind the holiday than sappy sweet poems and roses. Marriage involves the joining of two people, with two families, two histories, two ideas about what married life is supposed to be like, and two distinct ways of communicating to name only a few. Let’s make no bones about it. The idea of two people becoming one is overwhelming if you really stop to think about it. Sometimes that’s the problem. Too few people take the time to stop and think about it and consider what to do to make sure their marriage lasts the long-haul.
Ninety-three percent of Americans say one of their objectives is to have a stronger marriage. One meta-analysis of 23 studies about premarital counseling efficacy revealed that couples who went through premarital counseling had 30% stronger marriages than those who got married without premarital counseling. Here are some reasons it is important to go through and what to expect in pre-marital counseling before you say, “I Do.”
Examining expectations. We all go into marriage with expectations, whether we realize it or not. He expects her to run the household like his mother ran hers and she expects him to provide for the family like her father provided for her family. He expects to have sex 10 times a week and she expects to have sex once a week. Pre-marital counseling will provide an atmosphere in which you can talk about your expectations and do some early problem-solving if there are areas in which you disagree.
Look at family-of-origin issues. We each bring baggage into our marriages. Even if you have happy childhoods, there are bound to be hurtful things that have happened to you which shade the lenses through which you view marriage and the world. Perhaps your dad provided well for the family financially but was emotionally unavailable or your mom was over-bearing, controlling or critical. When you marry someone, if that person responds to you in the ways that were hurtful to you in your past, it not only brings up past hurts, but now you have to deal with the fresh hurt at the hands of someone with whom you are most vulnerable. Being able to talk about your separate histories in a healthy and loving fashion will only serve to lay the positive groundwork for a healthy relationship in the future.
Talk about dating and sexual history. It is really important that your future spouse knows about your dating and sexual history. Each of those relationships leaves an indelible mark on your brain and helps to shape how you expect romantic relationships to function. If you were mistreated in a dating relationship, it affects how you view future relationships. If you were sexually active with people other than your future spouse, you need to share that information and discuss you both getting tested for sexually transmitted infections/diseases, even if you used “protection.” Better to talk about those things up front before the wedding day than to have things surface later should you have issues.
Discuss distribution of household responsibilities. Whether or not both spouses work or one stays home, one of the quickest ways to resent one another is to feel like you’re putting in more work around the home than the other person. By talking about your expectations surrounding what things around the house will be done by whom, you can avoid those feelings of resentment. Are there certain chores someone absolutely refuses to do (cleaning toilets, windows?) are jobs that one feels are a “woman’s job” or a “man’s job?” Talking about those issues early will help diffuse any potential blow-ups after the honeymoon period wears off.
The divorce rate in the United States for first marriages is 41%, 60% for second marriages, and 73% for third marriages. Logic would suggest that after being married once, you know better going into subsequent marriages what it takes to make them work. Unfortunately, this is not the case. So, even if you’re thinking of heading down the aisle a second time, start now to build a solid foundation for a successful marriage by seeking pre-marital counseling.
http://women.webmd.com/news/20030404/premarital-counseling-builds-better-union
